Lady Knight's Quest (an erotic parody)
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Lady Knight's Quest (an erotic parody)
Gather 'round, all ye who dare to
hear this tale! It is not for the faint of heart! It shall make your
knees weak! Your limbs quiver! Why, it might even make you shudder!
It is a tale of lust, deceit, and
of power unspeakable. It is a tale of erotic intent most lust-worthy.
Most forbidden. Let us begin.
Once upon a time- because it
always is once upon a time in the stories, there was this lady. Oh,
she was great and grand. The bestest lady knight, once upon a time of
She was brave. She was strong.
She was beautiful and majestic. She served only the Greatest and
Wizest King and Queen- and even then she seemed to outshine them by
her greatness. It got to be a little much. And so the King, in a bit
of a temper one day, ordered that the great Lady knight go off on a
Quest. Across the country, climbing mountains, to find a most
mysterious and magical sword. And so the King said:
Great Lady, Great Knight,
Fly off on a Quest
Bring me a sword, but only the
Bring me the magic, the thrill
and the fight.
Bring me only the greatest sword
that you might.
Now that, ye know, is a pretty
terrible poem to give someone. But the Knight was so noble, she
didn't correct the King on his bad poetry. Instead she rhymed after
him, like they do in story-land.
Great King, Great Sovereign,
I'll off on this Quest
To fetch you a sword, and only
I'll bring you the magic, the
thrill and the fight.
I'll bring you the greatest
sword, by spring's first night.
Now that King was greatly
pleased, because he thought that meant his poetry was pretty good.
Little did he know that the Knight despised the King. In fact, she
despised him so much she thought she ought to run off with his wife.
But she was dutiful because she was a knight, and so she offed and
made ready for her trip. But as she prepared, the Queen came to see
her. And she sang this song.
My lovely, my sweet,
My dearest apple treat
Fetch us that sword, the sharpest
Off you will have my horrid
And we shall forever reign in his
For a moment the knight was
transfixed. Lo! To reign beside the Queen? To be the Queen's lover?
It was every knight's dream- and one especially close to the heart of
this knight, who loved her Queen very much. And for a moment she was
dazzled by this. So dazzled that she broke the rules of the kingdom
of ancient times and did not answer in rhyme. Instead she just
embraced the Queen passionately and said "Yes!"
And so off she galloped on her
Quest. To fetch not just a sword, but Queenship and her new lovers'
hand. Oh, she was elated! Oh, she was excited! Oh, she had so far to
For the greatest of swords was
not to be found just anywhere. It was to be found on a mountain. On
the tallest of the tallest mountains bordering the kingdom. One so
bleak and desolate that only a small village of strict nuns lived
there. For as the legend went....
Once upon a time, there was a
A wizard heard it, and got quite
I'll make a great sword, and only
To spit on Excalibur, to win
Why, I will make Merlin look
And everyone who doubted me feel
stupid and frail!
And so that wizard had set about,
cackling and being generally evil and trying to make the bestest
sword around those parts of that 'once upon a time' world. But, as
the legend had it, Crick! Crack! Something was a-lack!
Was he lacking virtue?
Was he lacking power?
Was he lacking senses?
Was he lacking proper spelling,
and so had messed up his incantations terribly?
No one knew. But word got around
that something had gone wrong. The wizard hid away his creation. Not
a soul saw this sword that was said to be the greatest sword of all.
The wizard said it was too powerful for mankind! Lo, it would be the
undoing of all men if this sword was ever found, he prophecied.
Quite a lot of folk were quite
frightened by these words, and rightly so as you shall discover. And
so the sword laid dormant, unawakened by any fool. The wizard did let
slip the location of it one night while drunk. But despite so many
proud souls going in search of it, all the bright young men came home
abashed. They were ashamed, I tell you! Red-cheeked and shaking their
heads. Worse, none would say what trials they'd endured while trying
to find this sword! None would speak of their adventures, or even of
the nuns who lived on this mountain!
So our Lady Knight was being
quite brave by rushing headlong into this Quest.
She galloped across plains!
She galloped across villages!
She galloped across bandits, and
cut off their heads too!
Why, she galloped clean across
the country in only a week!
Then, she was faced with her
challenge. The great and mysterious mountain stood before her. Tall!
Grand! Mysterious and shrouded in mist- which is what makes things
'misterious'. Imagine, if you will, the most vile mountain you can
think of. Then add some crows, a dash of salt and pepper, and make it
even more evil. Oh, it was enough to make the strongest man feel
faint and quiver.
But our Lady Knight was not a man
and neither did she feel faint or quiver. Why, off she rode as fast
as possible once again. Up the cliff she went. Battling trolls.
Climbing rock cliffs. Throwing boulders out of her way. Up and up,
unstoppable and vigorous. In thrice less the time it took most anyone
else, she was at the village of the nuns.
There, she paused to take the
danger in and calculate it. The nuns did the same too, looking up
from their fields and pestles and weaving.
Now, after battling her way up
the mountain the Ladye Knight was so beautiful and bold that the head
nun swooned at the sight of her and had to be revived with scented
kercheifs to the nose. When she was awake, the Lady Knight demanded
to know where the sword was. It went something like this.
I have braved the roads,
I have battled the trolls,
I have scaled the cliffs,
I have thrown quite a tiff,
I want that sword and I want it
Then, in the ultimate sign of
bravery- she broke the rules of poetry! "Just tell me where it
is," she sighed.
Once more the head matron
swooned. Snickers and coy smirks arose from the other nuns. A fair
one spoke, saying that they'd seen a lot of men come and go, but only
women were welcomed to stay.
And these nuns began preparing a
skimpy garment for the Lady to stay amongst them! Nay, nay! The Lady
fought them back in fear.
My ladies, my sweeets,
I have one that I must go greet,
A lady so fair, a lady so kind,
She'll nigh on kill me if I'm not
back in time!
The nuns laughed, and some wept
at knowing that such a beautiful and powerful woman would not stay
amongst them. This, they claimed, showed that she was to fulfill the
quest! And once more they wept.
It will be taken away! They cried
and sighed. The great sword will reside here no more!
And then all knew the time had
come for the Greatest of the bestest sword of power to leave their
mountain. Wiping the tears from her eyes, the young nun of such
fairness led the Lady knight onwards.
They went to a cave. It was a
dark and despicable thing. Nasty and putrid and oh so evil! Just the
thought of it ought to make you quiver and feel faint.
Bats hung from the ceiling.
Ghouls reached out from the crooks of the wall. But our Lady Knight
was brave of heart and did not falter. Her guide saw this and led her
on surely until they reached a pedestal.
And there lay-
"Wait, wait, what is this?"
Blurted the Lady Knight. (breaking the eternal rules of poetry) "That
is not a sword! That is a- a,"
"Phallus." The nun said
flatly. "The legend goes-
The magician wanted to make the
best sword, and the bestest of all,
To defeat Merlin, and Excalibur,
to make his own name grow tall.
So he cackled and cried out,
FUCK YOU ALL!
And that, my dear, was the
bestest mistake of all.
"Oh," the Knight said.
"This one," and the
fair nun winked at the Ladye. "Is indeed the greatest of all. It
pleasures not only the wearer, but also the other. Imagine that! Try
And the Lady did. She took the
magical phallus of two ends. She bore it deep within her flesh and
made it her own. And LO! Did she enjoy it!
For it was, after all, magically
made. Exquisitely shaped to give the utmost pleasure. Incantations
were inscribed all along it to give extra magical excitement. It
definetely was the greatest sword of all. It was so great that it's
power corrupted and the Lady knight could not sate herself.
So she took the fair nun - who
quite happily squealed.
She ran to the village and took
the milkmaids - who quite happily squealed.
She ran into the nunnery and had
all the nuns- who quite happily squealed.
She even ran to the headmistress
- and stayed with her quite a while until they both squealed!
proclaimed,and held it aloft, once the magic had abated and she could
pause in her lusty activities. "I must bring this power and
share it with my Queen! To hell with my Quest- this sword is the
The nuns sighed and wept and
begged her to stay. Just one more night, they pleaded.
But no, the Lady must return to
her Queen. She, of all the beautiful women, deserved to have this
sword! And off the Lady went.
She ran down the hills, skipping
over the boulders, jumping across chasms and sliding down cliffs. But
the magic stirred in her loins as she went.
For the day was fair and bright
when the kingdom saw the return of its bestest Lady Knight. She rode
into the castle proud, gleaming and straight (of back). Her hair was
beautiful, her muscles were strong, and her visage was fair.
The King was so frightened he
nearly fainted at the sight of her. "I'd thought she was dead!"
he wailed, once more forgetting to rhyme- but then alas! He lost his
The Queen cheered and clapped,
and so did the rest. Everyone knew- that King was not the best.
And then the Lady Knight fell on
one knee before the Queen. All the attending nobles squealed with
glee. The maidens grew faint, their bosoms swelled at the sight of
such love, as this Lady and the Queen had for each other. And the
Queen sighed and said
My lady, my love- and she choked
up with tears.
No amount of poetry, could
express all her fears.
Of her Lady Knight gone, and
never to return,
That the sight of her now,
brought this great soveriegn down.
To her knees she too fell, and
embraced her love.
The crowd oohed and ahhhed, their
eyes full of this love. They embraced, and the knight brushed the
tears from both their beautiful faces.
My Queen, my love - I've brought
you a gift.
It is the bestest of the best-
and it's caused quite a tiff
Fuck you all, the magician said,
and it does that the best!
Oh? The Queen said, and the gift
was produced. Oh! she said. Oh! The other knights said. Ahh, the fair
maidens of the court said, wishing they were the Queen.
And so the two were wedded and
bedded. And that my fair listeners, is the most amazing thing. Two
women having pleasure, and doing decadent things! Where shall the
world go from here? How shall it remain flat? And wait - there is
Some say this great power lives
on, in the minds of all. Those women so strong, so crafty, that
they've created the greatest sword of all. They use it to bring
pleasure to each other - who knew that was possible?
TwoLoveBirds is the writing project of
a happily married lesbian couple. They have chosen to name themselves
Tcheep and Pit in order to remain anonymous. Snuggling together in
their nest, these two lovebirds enjoy reading fluffy, happy, romances
that are filled with the joys of harmonious relationships. However,
the genre of lesbian romance seemed small for their reading
appetites! Deciding there always needs to be more lesbian fluff, the
TwoLoveBirds decided to write and fill the world with the love of
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