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The Lady Knight's Quest (an erotic parody)

A production by TwoLoveBirds

Published by Smashwords

Copyright 2017 TwoLoveBirds

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Cover Art & Design Copyright TwoLoveBirds

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The Lady Knight's Quest (an erotic parody)

Gather 'round, all ye who dare to hear this tale! It is not for the faint of heart! It shall make your knees weak! Your limbs quiver! Why, it might even make you shudder!

It is a tale of lust, deceit, and of power unspeakable. It is a tale of erotic intent most lust-worthy. Most forbidden. Let us begin.

Once upon a time- because it always is once upon a time in the stories, there was this lady. Oh, she was great and grand. The bestest lady knight, once upon a time of course.

She was brave. She was strong. She was beautiful and majestic. She served only the Greatest and Wizest King and Queen- and even then she seemed to outshine them by her greatness. It got to be a little much. And so the King, in a bit of a temper one day, ordered that the great Lady knight go off on a Quest. Across the country, climbing mountains, to find a most mysterious and magical sword. And so the King said:

Great Lady, Great Knight,

Fly off on a Quest

Bring me a sword, but only the best.

Bring me the magic, the thrill and the fight.

Bring me only the greatest sword that you might.

Now that, ye know, is a pretty terrible poem to give someone. But the Knight was so noble, she didn't correct the King on his bad poetry. Instead she rhymed after him, like they do in story-land.

Great King, Great Sovereign,

I'll off on this Quest

To fetch you a sword, and only the best.

I'll bring you the magic, the thrill and the fight.

I'll bring you the greatest sword, by spring's first night.

Now that King was greatly pleased, because he thought that meant his poetry was pretty good. Little did he know that the Knight despised the King. In fact, she despised him so much she thought she ought to run off with his wife. But she was dutiful because she was a knight, and so she offed and made ready for her trip. But as she prepared, the Queen came to see her. And she sang this song.

My lovely, my sweet,

My dearest apple treat

Fetch us that sword, the sharpest that is,

Off you will have my horrid husband's head,

And we shall forever reign in his stead.

For a moment the knight was transfixed. Lo! To reign beside the Queen? To be the Queen's lover? It was every knight's dream- and one especially close to the heart of this knight, who loved her Queen very much. And for a moment she was dazzled by this. So dazzled that she broke the rules of the kingdom of ancient times and did not answer in rhyme. Instead she just embraced the Queen passionately and said "Yes!"

And so off she galloped on her Quest. To fetch not just a sword, but Queenship and her new lovers' hand. Oh, she was elated! Oh, she was excited! Oh, she had so far to travel.

For the greatest of swords was not to be found just anywhere. It was to be found on a mountain. On the tallest of the tallest mountains bordering the kingdom. One so bleak and desolate that only a small village of strict nuns lived there. For as the legend went....

Once upon a time, there was a terrible rhyme

A wizard heard it, and got quite possessed

I'll make a great sword, and only the best!

To spit on Excalibur, to win every quest!

Why, I will make Merlin look overly pale

And everyone who doubted me feel stupid and frail!

And so that wizard had set about, cackling and being generally evil and trying to make the bestest sword around those parts of that 'once upon a time' world. But, as the legend had it, Crick! Crack! Something was a-lack!

Was he lacking virtue?

Was he lacking power?

Was he lacking senses?

Was he lacking proper spelling, and so had messed up his incantations terribly?

No one knew. But word got around that something had gone wrong. The wizard hid away his creation. Not a soul saw this sword that was said to be the greatest sword of all. The wizard said it was too powerful for mankind! Lo, it would be the undoing of all men if this sword was ever found, he prophecied.

Quite a lot of folk were quite frightened by these words, and rightly so as you shall discover. And so the sword laid dormant, unawakened by any fool. The wizard did let slip the location of it one night while drunk. But despite so many proud souls going in search of it, all the bright young men came home abashed. They were ashamed, I tell you! Red-cheeked and shaking their heads. Worse, none would say what trials they'd endured while trying to find this sword! None would speak of their adventures, or even of the nuns who lived on this mountain!

So our Lady Knight was being quite brave by rushing headlong into this Quest.

She galloped across plains!

She galloped across villages!

She galloped across bandits, and cut off their heads too!

Why, she galloped clean across the country in only a week!

Then, she was faced with her challenge. The great and mysterious mountain stood before her. Tall! Grand! Mysterious and shrouded in mist- which is what makes things 'misterious'. Imagine, if you will, the most vile mountain you can think of. Then add some crows, a dash of salt and pepper, and make it even more evil. Oh, it was enough to make the strongest man feel faint and quiver.

But our Lady Knight was not a man and neither did she feel faint or quiver. Why, off she rode as fast as possible once again. Up the cliff she went. Battling trolls. Climbing rock cliffs. Throwing boulders out of her way. Up and up, unstoppable and vigorous. In thrice less the time it took most anyone else, she was at the village of the nuns.

There, she paused to take the danger in and calculate it. The nuns did the same too, looking up from their fields and pestles and weaving.

Now, after battling her way up the mountain the Ladye Knight was so beautiful and bold that the head nun swooned at the sight of her and had to be revived with scented kercheifs to the nose. When she was awake, the Lady Knight demanded to know where the sword was. It went something like this.

I have braved the roads,

I have battled the trolls,

I have scaled the cliffs,

I have thrown quite a tiff,

I want that sword and I want it now,

Then, in the ultimate sign of bravery- she broke the rules of poetry! "Just tell me where it is," she sighed.

Once more the head matron swooned. Snickers and coy smirks arose from the other nuns. A fair one spoke, saying that they'd seen a lot of men come and go, but only women were welcomed to stay.

And these nuns began preparing a skimpy garment for the Lady to stay amongst them! Nay, nay! The Lady fought them back in fear.

My ladies, my sweeets,

I have one that I must go greet,

A lady so fair, a lady so kind,

She'll nigh on kill me if I'm not back in time!

The nuns laughed, and some wept at knowing that such a beautiful and powerful woman would not stay amongst them. This, they claimed, showed that she was to fulfill the quest! And once more they wept.

It will be taken away! They cried and sighed. The great sword will reside here no more!

And then all knew the time had come for the Greatest of the bestest sword of power to leave their mountain. Wiping the tears from her eyes, the young nun of such fairness led the Lady knight onwards.

They went to a cave. It was a dark and despicable thing. Nasty and putrid and oh so evil! Just the thought of it ought to make you quiver and feel faint.

Bats hung from the ceiling. Ghouls reached out from the crooks of the wall. But our Lady Knight was brave of heart and did not falter. Her guide saw this and led her on surely until they reached a pedestal.

And there lay-

"Wait, wait, what is this?" Blurted the Lady Knight. (breaking the eternal rules of poetry) "That is not a sword! That is a- a,"

"Phallus." The nun said flatly. "The legend goes-

The magician wanted to make the best sword, and the bestest of all,

To defeat Merlin, and Excalibur, to make his own name grow tall.

So he cackled and cried out,


And that, my dear, was the bestest mistake of all.

"Oh," the Knight said.

"This one," and the fair nun winked at the Ladye. "Is indeed the greatest of all. It pleasures not only the wearer, but also the other. Imagine that! Try it on."

And the Lady did. She took the magical phallus of two ends. She bore it deep within her flesh and made it her own. And LO! Did she enjoy it!

For it was, after all, magically made. Exquisitely shaped to give the utmost pleasure. Incantations were inscribed all along it to give extra magical excitement. It definetely was the greatest sword of all. It was so great that it's power corrupted and the Lady knight could not sate herself.

So she took the fair nun - who quite happily squealed.

She ran to the village and took the milkmaids - who quite happily squealed.

She ran into the nunnery and had all the nuns- who quite happily squealed.

She even ran to the headmistress - and stayed with her quite a while until they both squealed!

"Lo!" she proclaimed,and held it aloft, once the magic had abated and she could pause in her lusty activities. "I must bring this power and share it with my Queen! To hell with my Quest- this sword is the best!"

The nuns sighed and wept and begged her to stay. Just one more night, they pleaded.

But no, the Lady must return to her Queen. She, of all the beautiful women, deserved to have this sword! And off the Lady went.

She ran down the hills, skipping over the boulders, jumping across chasms and sliding down cliffs. But the magic stirred in her loins as she went.

For the day was fair and bright when the kingdom saw the return of its bestest Lady Knight. She rode into the castle proud, gleaming and straight (of back). Her hair was beautiful, her muscles were strong, and her visage was fair.

The King was so frightened he nearly fainted at the sight of her. "I'd thought she was dead!" he wailed, once more forgetting to rhyme- but then alas! He lost his head.

The Queen cheered and clapped, and so did the rest. Everyone knew- that King was not the best.

And then the Lady Knight fell on one knee before the Queen. All the attending nobles squealed with glee. The maidens grew faint, their bosoms swelled at the sight of such love, as this Lady and the Queen had for each other. And the Queen sighed and said

My lady, my love- and she choked up with tears.

No amount of poetry, could express all her fears.

Of her Lady Knight gone, and never to return,

That the sight of her now, brought this great soveriegn down.

To her knees she too fell, and embraced her love.

The crowd oohed and ahhhed, their eyes full of this love. They embraced, and the knight brushed the tears from both their beautiful faces.

My Queen, my love - I've brought you a gift.

It is the bestest of the best- and it's caused quite a tiff

Fuck you all, the magician said, and it does that the best!

Oh? The Queen said, and the gift was produced. Oh! she said. Oh! The other knights said. Ahh, the fair maidens of the court said, wishing they were the Queen.

And so the two were wedded and bedded. And that my fair listeners, is the most amazing thing. Two women having pleasure, and doing decadent things! Where shall the world go from here? How shall it remain flat? And wait - there is more!

Some say this great power lives on, in the minds of all. Those women so strong, so crafty, that they've created the greatest sword of all. They use it to bring pleasure to each other - who knew that was possible?

About TwoLoveBirds

TwoLoveBirds is the writing project of a happily married lesbian couple. They have chosen to name themselves Tcheep and Pit in order to remain anonymous. Snuggling together in their nest, these two lovebirds enjoy reading fluffy, happy, romances that are filled with the joys of harmonious relationships. However, the genre of lesbian romance seemed small for their reading appetites! Deciding there always needs to be more lesbian fluff, the TwoLoveBirds decided to write and fill the world with the love of women!

Also by TwoLoveBirds

A Valentine's Love (Part One) (Part Two) Part (Three)

A Villain's Caress (Part One) (Part Two) (Part Three)

Break the Ice

In the Captain's Room

A Snowstorm's Gift (Part One ) (Part Two) (Part Three)

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